32 Quotes That Will Make You Laugh
1. Who doesn't love to laugh? And who doesn't love quotes? I hope these short, funny quotes put a smile on your face or even make you laugh. We all need more laughter in our lives.
2. "Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life."
3. "Saying "Have a nice day" to someone sounds friendly but saying "enjoy your next 24 hours" sounds threatening."
4. "Retirement is waking up in the morning with nothing to do and by bedtime having done only half of it."
5. "A woman is like a tea bag – you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water."- Eleanor Roosevelt
6. "At every party, there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other."- Ann Landers
7. "A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money." - W.C. Fields
8. "I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
- Charles Lamb
9. "Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes."
― Jack Handey
10. "Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed."
― Albert Einstein
11. "People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day." ~ A. A. Milne
12. "I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass." ~ David Lee Roth
13. "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." ~ Groucho Marx
14. "I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them." ~ Phyllis Diller
15. "Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: 'How to Build a Boat.'"
16. "You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police."
17. "I'm at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out."
18. "I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom."
19. "I can't end my messages with Love, Shaq because the B-52s ruined that for me."
—Meme attributed to Shaquille O'Neal
20. "People say, 'But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.' Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board."
21. "The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat. So people who don't know what they're doing, or who on earth they are can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self."
—Joe Fox (Tom Hanks), You've Got Mail
22. "I love airports because the rules of society don't apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares."
23. "I'm one stomach flu away from my goal weight."
—Emily Charlton (Emily Blount), The Devil Wears Prada
24. "I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
25. "Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That's one of my mottos."
—Stanley Hudson, The Office
26. "I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
27. "People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever's in the glass."
—Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls
28. "Even I don't wake up looking like Cindy Crawford."
29. "I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again."
30. "If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife's birthday, just try forgetting it once." —Aldo Cammarota
31. "When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty." - Norm Crosby
32. "I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
So, did you laugh? I hope so.